Approximately a month ago, I began working with a new client. In our initial meeting, she asked me,
“Why is dating so hard?”
“Why can I not find a partner?”
“How did it get this bad?”
Though a real catch, she’d been single for years. She undoubtedly could not get her head wrapped around the notion that dating might just be astronomically difficult for her.
The reality is that a large part of the single population is in search of true love. They are the ones who have often endured the heartbreak of being ghosted, are dating app weary, and have been in and out of the by-now-too-familiar modern dating scene of no-strings-attached flings and situationships.
The burnt-out single people in the modern dating scene claim to be taking a break from their romantic pursuits. The main reason? Romance has evolved. We now operate in a strikingly altered space where the rules of attraction shift daily, and new trends appear overnight to take their place.
If liking and swiping weren’t enough, the culture around us has whole hog thrown its lot in with instant gratification over profound connection. Is it any wonder, then, that so many singles have given up on dating? Giving up dating in 2015 The reasons given by the survey respondents for quitting the dating scene fall under four main headings.
Here’s the good news: Not everyone has thrown in the towel when it comes to romance. It is hard to find real love that lasts these days, but it still is an obtainable goal. Once you get a handle on what the modern dating conundrums are, you can see more clearly what is impeding your progress toward finding Mr. or Ms. Right and, even better, how to overcome those obstacles.
For more than two decades, I have worked as a matchmaker, so I know a thing or two about love, dating, and romance. If you’re prepared to ask—and hopefully answer—”Why is dating so hard?”, this blog is for you. I will get into the emotional and cultural changes that have occurred in our dating landscape and provide some workable strategies that you can employ to find a long-term, loving relationship.
The Biggest Modern Dating Challenges
The Paradox Of Choice
Apps that help you find a date offer access to a pool of potential partners far larger than anything you could have in your actual life. Yet this doesn’t make finding love any easier; in fact, it often makes it harder. We have all these profiles to go through. We are always swiping left and right, rarely stopping to reflect on our decisions, and always wondering if we should have gone in the other direction—especially when we come back to someone we already passed up, having taken the opportunity to look at other options. And then, of course, there are those moments of pure, unfiltered desperation.
A string of studies found that with each passing day spent online dating, individuals were 27% less likely to swipe right on possible matches. In effect, the more time we spend trying to pick a partner, the more hard to please we become. With a supply of potential mates that seems boundless, we plow through them in search of the one or, more likely, the next one. Quite literally, the online dating scene has us hunting and pecking more than ever.
Swipe Fatigue And Burnout
Numerous clients whom I have worked with in the past have equated dating applications to yet another full-time job. There is an incessant cycle of swipe right and swipe left, awkward direct messages, and the eventual death of a relationship known as ghosting that can take a serious toll on a person’s mental health. The cycle can feel exciting at first, but it usually devolves into a self-esteem-destroying loop that leaves a person feeling more alone than they did before they started using the dating app in question.
Because of a Forbes Heath poll, we know that over 78% of dating app users report feeling emotionally, mentally, or physically drained by them. This is just plain exhausting! And we can’t ignore the fact that online “dating” is now a business model raking in billions of dollars each year. Yet, strange as it may seem, the very platforms designed to keep users swiping aren’t necessarily constructed to exit with users into a solid, offline relationship.
Ghosting, Breadcrumbing, And Mixed Signals
The modern dating scene has become normalized around NOT communicating. This is strange, given that CDA researchers have shown for decades that communication is a crucial part of dating if one hopes that a relationship can develop to the next phase. The act of communication is so normalized as to be invisible. Left unexamined, this space will not help us understand the poor appearances of CDA and the poor relationship functions of parents.
If you feel that the dating world is stacked against you, you are not mistaken. The modern dating scene seems to lack some really basic qualities, like respect, honesty, and emotional availability. People seem to be dating while jaded and guarded, with many asking themselves (and us), “Why is dating so hard right now?”
Unrealistic Expectations
There’s a bright side to social media: with it, we can now connect with nearly everyone we know, no matter how far across the world they may be. And in what has become a near-constant reality of our lives, social media serves as a way for people to keep up with the latest in their friends’ (and enemies’) lives.
But in terms of potential downsides, the platforms have also made it far too easy to create illusions of grandeur, or “life envy,” and in turn, illusions of curating a “perfect” looking life that way. Every filtered, edited, and otherwise messed-with photo we put online might as well be a portrait of someone who doesn’t actually exist. As such, it stands as a creative failing of sorts, and we’re not only living it but as a society buying into what’s essentially a lie.
The latest research indicates that excessive use of social media reduces our happiness not just with dating but also with relationships in general. They imply that it’s just not healthy to be that plugged in. They also suggest that when we are chronically online, we’re not only missing out on the right people; we’re also missing out on a sometimes-grim, always-honest reality that can be our Utopian fantasy if we’re smart about it and can be grounded in good enough reasons to make it happen.
Fear of Rejection And Vulnerability
Modern dating has a big emotional challenge. We are terrified of being vulnerable. In our dating culture, hookups and casual flings are more “normal” than they have ever been. Many singles are scared to open up.
Real vulnerability takes real risk. Laying your feelings on the line feels like it carries way too much potential for hurt and way too little potential for payoff.
Sadly, there can be no intimacy without vulnerability. And, of course, there can be no real relationship without intimacy. It has been said that emotional availability is even more important to the longevity and satisfaction of a relationship than sexual chemistry.
Why Is Dating So Hard Now?
A Changing Landscape For How We Connect
We inhabit a period in which speech has been supplanted by the written word, and countless initial exchanges take place on the other side of a digital frontier. When I assert that technology has made it easier to rendezvous with the unfamiliar, I mean it in a purely literal sense. Whether we utilize the apps or go old school in our web of personal extensions, meeting new people has never been more straightforward. Yet making that leap from simple meeting to real connecting with a new person? That’s where the rub comes.
In this day and age, encountering an individual through a mutual friend or having a conversation with an attractive barista in a coffee shop seems infrequent and even, in some cases, uncomfortable. But in actuality, making physical connections in the world is still the “go-to” method for fostering relationships. When we are only engaging with individuals on a digital platform, it becomes close to impossible to cultivate trust and a “can-I-see-you-again” vibe.
Loneliness And Mental Health Struggles
As stated in a recent Gallup Poll, one in five Americans feels lonely every single day. We are quite literally in the midst of a loneliness epidemic; more and more people are feeling disconnected. This epidemic, of course, affects singles disproportionately. Hence, we have more dating anxiety, more dating burnout, and even more desperation.
The real problem is this: dating while lonely makes us choose the easy way out because we think it’s better to be with someone than to be alone. And when we couple up with someone who’s not really right for us—and stay with them instead of being by ourselves—it makes us feel even more hopeless because it seems like love is just totally not in our cards or anywhere to be found.
Overworked And Burnt Out
Jobs, side hustles, gym schedules, and parenting: you name it, we’re juggling it. Most single people are so busy trying to keep their lives afloat that dating becomes an afterthought or a frustrating waste of time. When your job takes up 50+ hours a week, your home doesn’t clean itself, and you’re trying to maintain a semblance of a social life, how do you make time for dating?
When you’re worn out, unfocused, and on the brink of burnout, it’s almost impossible to be your best self on a date. While recovering from a lack of calories, sleep, or both, it’s hard to give anything close to one’s best. Not that I could envision a good date, but I couldn’t get through a good evening without a struggle.
Dating Trends Are Ever-Changing
Dating and relationships once had clear, strict regulations. It was always understood who was supposed to do the asking, who was to take the lead, and what the different levels of dating entailed. These days, the regulations are different; sometimes there really aren’t any. This is a good thing, and it gives us a lot more freedom and a lot more ways to be ourselves. But with that freedom comes a whole lot of confusion. Many singles ponder these questions:
• Should I text first?
• Am I being too forward?
• Are we exclusive or just talking?
Trying to understand the kind of relationship you have with someone can feel like you’re trying to inhale the breath of a thousand cultures. There’s much to figure out, and even with perfect clarity, it’s still not easy. Dating can feel like working through two very long, very tedious undergraduate reading lists.
How to Overcome Modern Dating Challenges
Set Clear Intentions
The fastest method of simplifying dating? Understand what you want, and declare it without hesitation! This is particularly important when you are first dating and still trying to figure lots of things out.
It makes no difference if you want something short term and mostly fun, a serious and committed relationship, or a lifelong marriage. Just putting it out there allows a super filter not only for the you who is first figuring things out, but also for the person you are with.
I understand: the quality of being intentional might not have the appeal of something like “spontaneity” on a first date, but in today’s dating world, it’s one of the most attractive qualities you can possess. I get that it might not sound like a great quality to have in the dating world. You save yourself and the people you date from any unnecessary and unsavory heartache. It makes a direct path for everyone involved. Plus, you never know when intentionality is going to lead you to someone.
Prioritize Quality Over Quantity
It’s easy to get caught up in the paradox of choice, thinking that more matches must mean more opportunities for love. But the reality is that five significant conversations are worth more than fifty that are merely “okay.” The idea here is to be selective with your energy and only chase after connections that have a real shot at being something.
Donate your time to the individuals who, as singles, authentically wish to learn about you, to engage in consistent communication with you, and to share your page in terms of relationship aspirations. It is, after all, a not-so-private dating pool out there. Dating doesn’t have to be a numbers game! And really, when you play that game, you lose most of the time.
Take A Dating App Break
When feelings of burnout occur on a consistent basis, it is important to take a step back. Emotional energy can be conserved when refraining from the incessant use of dating apps, which can feel like another form of social media when one is always on and interacting with it. Use the app only as much as is necessary to maintain the perspective of seeing it as a tool for making connections, rather than seeing it as a tool for securing a relationship.
Consider other ways to meet people after you’ve gotten rid of your dating apps. Use your friends, hobbies, and even singles events to form new connections!
Don’t Be Afraid Of Vulnerability
I know that it’s attractive to act nonchalant and to pretend that no one really matters to you, especially in a dating scene that pushes for and rewards emotional distance. But if you want a relationship with any prospect of being real, you have to be willing to take the risk of being seen.
You have to risk someone else seeing you in a moment of honesty. And you have to be the kind of person who risks seeing someone else in an honest moment. In today’s dating culture, emotional depth is a rare commodity.
Certainly, being vulnerable entails risks. But it is also the bedrock of trust, the bumpers of intimacy, and the most potent ingredient in real, lasting love. If you connect with someone and you are not fully yourself—your authentic, vulnerable self—then your connection is destined to fizzle.
Those of us who are in long-term relationships with partners deserve to celebrate this fact: We have the kind of love that is real and not just imagined. It is only with intimate partnerships that vulnerability becomes a practically useful instrument. So we should celebrate the usefulness of our love.
Focus On Yourself First
Before you even start going on dates, you need to ask yourself: Am I really set for a coupling? Do I have the energy to put into another person’s existence and requirements, and let them into mine in exchange? Many unmarried people dive into dating without even looking back at whether they’re prepped, which only waters a culture of not quite relationships and intentions that aren’t quite matched.
When you search your soul and find that you are genuinely primed for love, don’t content yourself with shallow bonds or liaisons. You should seek out only those individuals whose love is as forthright and dependable as their communication.
Work With A Professional Matchmaker
Should you find yourself fed up with the whole dating app scene, enduring the not-so-fun shaming of those who ghost you, and having to second-guess every single move you make on the not-so-clear path to love, your solution could very well be matchmaking. Instead of just leaving your love life to chance and wondering,
“Why is dating so hard for me?”
and hoping for a better, less frustrating future in the way of love, you could hire a professional matchmaker and go the intentional route.
Matchmakers reach into the heart of the matter called dating. They take the guesswork out of it and make it a little more scientific by very thoroughly getting to know you and then introducing you to the superlative, pre-vetted matches who very closely align with not just your surface-level attributes but your deeper personality, values, and goals. It’s not just about convenience, it’s about being seen, being heard, and being understood with a warmth and depth that a real person can give—when that real person is genuinely interested in helping you find love.
Dating Isn’t Broken, But It Has Changed
In spite of the dating app exhaustion and the seemingly infinite selection of potential partners, finding a genuine romantic connection in today’s world of modern dating is not an impossible feat. Yet, it is a more intricate endeavor than it was for previous generations. Many continue to seek the app-batteries of pastesh ideas that Tinder created. By using a more contemporary lens, we can see that solutions exist within entrepreneurship, within rethinking what dating actually is, and within all sorts of unfound potential. Here’s a viewfinder of sorts in which to locate these opportunities better.
