As an Austin Matchmaker, I frequently get told by Austin singles that dating multiple people is the best way to increase your chances of finding love. I blame this on the evil empire: dating apps. With apps like Tinder and Hinge, your dating life basically becomes speed dating — even if you’re only pursuing one person at a time, it’s likely the person you’re pursuing is still talking to multiple people. On the surface it may sound sensible, like if you want to win the lottery you just need to buy more tickets. However finding love is not like winning the lottery, or is it?! Of course it isn’t. Finding love is all about timing, creating opportunities to meet new people in real life, and having chemistry. Plenty of good relationships haven’t happened because the timing was off (or they had a bad online photo!) or they stayed at home waiting for true love to knock on their door,. As for chemistry? Scientists have been trying to figure out what makes people fall in love for years. The best they have come up with is pheromones meaning we all are technically just sniffing each other out like they do in the animal kingdom.
So if logic tells us that our odds will increase by dating multiple people at once, then what are the reasons it can backfire? It’s riskier than you think. Just because we can do something (like date five people at once) doesn’t mean we should do it. Part of being an adult is analyzing all the things you can do and deciding what’s best for you, personally. If your dating strategy is keeping your options open by dating multiple people, how can you be emotionally available enough to get to know these Austin singles on a deeper level and determine who is most compatible with you? Here are the top 5 reasons that dating multiple people will ruin your chances of finding love:
1. You’ll be too picky
Studies have shown time and time again that having too many options, especially in the online dating world, can work against you and bring out problematic pickiness. For example, online daters can be incredibly picky because there’s always another profile.
When you meet people on apps., you will make a selection—then immediately start wondering about the merits of the people you didn’t choose. All that wondering leads to a feeling of being dissatisfied with the choice you made, kind of like the bigger better deal syndrome. And then it’s back online to start the process all over again with the next selection. Wash, rinse, repeat. The problem could be our quest for perfection. We all want to believe in “The One” – a person that meets every item on our relationship checklist, who’s our soul mate forever. But when you search for perfection, you’re unlikely to find it.
2. It increases FOMO
We’ve all heard the term FOMO. It stands for the fear of missing out. We can pass on reasonable job offers because there’s we wonder if there is a better one out there. We can afford to flake on friends or dates or concerts or family — or worse, ghost them — because there’ll be other opportunities. So you go out on a date. You’re trying to concentrate on what the guy across from you is saying. The social media culture we live in today tells us that an ordinary life isn’t enough, so we’re always looking for the next best thing.
3. You become obsessed with validation
When you are dating multiple people, you’ll experience times when you think you want a relationship with one of them but you’ll agonize about losing other attention sources, be fearful of commitment, and end on up on the perpetually never ending pendulum of needing everyone to like you. And is that wrong to want people to find you attractive and desirable? The onset of social media perpetuates our need for approval. We let the number of likes we get determine if we are worthy or not. This fixation is an ego boost that can make us feel less anxious about dating. See, look at all the men/women who want to be with me.
4. You become a lazy dater
For modern singles, the supply has never been so big and the incentive to choose so small. Thus matches go un-messaged, messages go unanswered and so many online conversations never turn into offline dates. Keeping other options on the backburner, or simply operating with a “grass is greener on another dating app” mentality, contributes to the sense of apathy. In order to go out on a date with someone new, you have to make arrangements, you have to primp, you have to get your hopes up, and then you find most of the time that the other person is not your type at all so then you put less effort and don’t take the date seriously because you’ve got two others lined up for the week.
5. You’re Preventing Yourself From Connecting With Someone on a Deeper Level
If you’re wondering if you should date multiple people at once, it’s important to understand that this dating method may end up preventing you from finding the relationship you’re seeking. When you are dating more than one person at a time, this keeps you from opening up because you’re not fully giving your all to this person and showing vulnerability. Specifically, if you’re unable to give your full time to a potential partner and don’t put much energy into cultivating a relationship with him or her, then you may end up sabotaging any future relationship because you’re not establishing the necessary foundation on which your connection can develop.
Lesson to be learned:
Why is it so hard to stop dating multiple people and focus on one Austin single at a time to see if it is worthwhile? It is as if all of the single people in the Austin developed ADHD and are so incredibly distracted, it’s no wonder so many single people get jaded, Rather than helping you make a decision, casual dating keeps you stuck in confusion longer than you ever intended to stay. It paralyzes you from making a choice, and it keeps you stagnant in mediocrity rather than moving forward toward fulfillment. Maybe by holding on to casual dating, you are keeping yourself from a relationship that could offer you so much more. If you are at a stand-still within the world of casual dating, you have to really ask yourself what you are missing out on. There is always a cost. In this day and age, we have a tendency to complicate dating. Let your yes be yes, and your no be no. If we applied this rule to dating, the “maybe” of casual dating would vanish within the certainty of yes or no.
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